a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
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