I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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