i think my tv is drunk
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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