Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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