I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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