My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The air was thick with penises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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