I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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