Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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