I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
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Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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