I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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