Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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