I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize