DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
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Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
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I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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