Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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