u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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