This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
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i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
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I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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