: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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