hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize