Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
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Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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