physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
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She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
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It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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