I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
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So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
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You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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