We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
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Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
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