Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
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i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
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