i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
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Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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