god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
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Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
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She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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