after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
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I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
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She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
The air taste purple.
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