New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
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how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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