fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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