If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
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I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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