dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
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Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
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Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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