apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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