Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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