I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
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Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
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I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
the raccoons are back...
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