you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
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It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
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I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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