Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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