and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
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No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
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...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize