Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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