I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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