i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
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Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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