i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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