The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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