I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
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