I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
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Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
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Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
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