This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
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Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
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we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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