forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
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She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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