So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
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something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
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Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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