Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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