She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
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After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
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Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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