we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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