If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
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I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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